Love.

There are just so many things that I could say to describe us.

Car crash.
Catastrophic.
Earthquake.


But the thing is, that’s just how we are. Things will never be the same between us, and I knew that then.

I know it even more now.

But when we met, it was like everything that I had needed finally came. I had just gotten out of a bad 11 month long relationship, and you were with her.

I was fine with that, because I only considered you a friend. And I knew you had wanted more from the start.
Timeline-July 07.

Then you and her broke-up and you started dating girl #2. You talked to me about your relationship slightly, but then I guessed you realized that it was causing both of us pain. Because I had finally realized that I liked you. I liked you way more than I had originally planned. And the fact that I realized it too late tore me apart.
Timeline-August 07.

But that night (September 29, the day after your 17 birthday), was one of the best nights of my life. Granted you were back with her (girl #1), and I knew that I would just have to live with it.

But as I held you back from that fight, everyone around us knowing I was the only one who could stop you, I realized that I couldn't just wait around. I had planned on telling you that we had to stop all the semi-flirting we did. {sitting on each other’s lap, sharing root beer float popsicles, buying each other energy drinks, etc.} But you were pissed, and I knew I couldn't tell you then.

We walked down to the gas station, our hands brushing and finally we took the plunge and laced them together. The lady who was on shift gave us a smile, and I knew that we looked like a cute couple. You bought me a Dr. Pepper and I bought you a Vertigo sucker and some gummy frogs.

When we were back at the skate park, your ride was there. We were both heartbroken, knowing that it would probably be another week before we would see each other again. We hugged like we were a couple who was parting for a long while, and I couldn't stop myself.

I gave you a soft kiss on your jaw.
Even more surprising, you kissed my jaw back.
The next thing was magic; we looked deep into each other’s eyes and then kissed. Three times in a row.

It didn't matter that you had a girlfriend, and it didn't matter that we had such a big audience.

"I'll call you when I get home, okay?" I nodded, still in shock. You gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen on your face, and I felt as if I were floating. That feeling lasted until that next Tuesday, and then it was even higher.

You had told her that we kissed, and that you wanted to be with me. You called me that night, and asked me out. And I of course said yes. A few weeks into our relationship I realized that I loved you, and I told you. You smiled and said you loved me too. We were inseparable and then as quick as it started, it crash and burned.

You broke up with me because you were stressed, and I found out a week later that you were with another girl.

We didn't talk for the first month and a half of your relationship with #3. But then we started talking again, and then that led up to us hooking up. Which led me to believe that I had a chance again.

And that was wrong of me to think, apparently. Because after seeing you be miserable for three months, you went back to the first girl you 'loved'. We didn't talk for the first two weeks, and then we fell back into our routine of hooking up basically every day. Then things ended a month later with her and you moved onto girl #4.

And that's what broke me the most, I think. Because you stopped ALL CONTACT with me. And then you talked to me some, here and there. And you talked about her. She made you happy and upset and I couldn't understand why you were always with these girls that made you miserable, when you had told me that I had made you the happiest.

I hadn't dated anyone in the time that we hooked up, and you knew that. And we still exchanged 'I love you's'

Eventually I got fed up with it, and regained the control. I didn't all ways answer when you texted. I wanted to be strong. And when you went onto #4, we stopped hooking up. And I knew that we never would again.

Finally, around two years after our first kiss, you apologized.

You apologized for breaking my heart, for making me cry so much, and that you still loved me. I told you that I forgave you, and that I loved you too.

We don't hang out as much as we used to, and that we will never be the same as we were before. And I know that we never will.

But if it wasn't for the heartache you caused me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to get close to the one person whom I know that I love, but not in the romantic way. I love him because the first night we met, you made me cry drunkenly and he held me as I cried. He stayed on the phone with me as I drove home and the next two hours as I still cried. And then the next time, I was completely drunk, I couldn't walk. Thunder played and I spent the next three hours crying, and he held me while you only got pissed off. This was before your revelation about how much you hurt me. I'm not sure who told you, or maybe you just finally realized. I don't know, and I don't care to. All that mattered was that you apologized and I know that is one of the hardest things for you to do.


I love you, but I love the person you were the most. When you actually gave a shit about yourself.


A, my first love, no one will be able to compare to you. But I know that first loves aren't always the ones that last forever. And I realized that after I turned 19. And I'm hoping that by my 20th birthday, I'll be able to see you and not feel the stabbing pain. Oh and not want to kiss you, that would definitely be a plus.
But you know that I will always love you, and when you need me to come get you at three in the morning at the Dunkin' Donuts half an hour away, I'll come if possible.

And I will learn from this. I have learned from this. I learned that you never really get over your first love, but maybe you aren't supposed to. And I know that one day I'll find someone who made me feel as wonderful as you did.

And I only wish the same for you.

Attention, Attention! May I have all of your eyes and ears....

So I’m sitting on my couch, watching the reunion special of Teen Mom. And Dr. Drew gives the site, http://www.loveisrespect.org/ because of the fight that occurred between Amber and Gary. So I go, because I’m curious.

And as I’m reading the signs of being in an abusive relationship, I began to break down in tears. Because I knew that I had been in one when I was sixteen, but just reading about it, made it that much more of a reality.

I’m ashamed to admit that, for the simple fact that I let it go on for a year. I let some asshole that had issues, control every aspect of my life for a year.
It’s upsetting for the simple fact that all my friends were completely shocked when I told them about what he did to me. My parents were even more shocked, which brought the shame on me more. I have always been good at hiding how I really felt, or when things were bothering me. But I wish in this instance I didn’t have that ability.


If you don’t feel like going to the site, here are the signs that they listed:

Do you:

• Ever feel guilty about having your own friends and own interests?
• Often feel pressured to spend time with your boyfriend/girlfriend when you’d rather do something else?
• Keep opinions or concerns to yourself to make things easier?
• Change your behavior to avoid fighting with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

• Get jealous when you talk to friends of the opposite sex?
• Complain about or try to control what you wear?
• Call or text you excessively?
• Push you to do things you aren’t sure you want to (like sex, drugs)?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Act jealous or possessive?
• Put you down or criticize you?
• Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?
• Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do?
• Threaten to kill or hurt you or themselves if you leave them?
• Try to stop you from seeing or talking to friends and family?
• Try to force you to have sex before you’re ready?
• Do they hit, slap, push or kick you

Now, he didn’t exhibit all of these behaviors, but 11 out of 13 he did. And it’s not like he was bigger than me. But he did a lot of emotional abuse as well. He made me cry all the time, and then when I did cry, he made me feel bad for crying.

And the worst thing is, what he did has made me afraid to be in a relationship. And I know that not all guys are like that, but it was a year, and then he constantly abused me after it was over.

 

So I guess the main point of this is, that stuff is real. It happens and it affects basically every aspect of your life. If you’re in one of these relationships then please, I’m begging you to get out. And if you need any support or someone to talk to then feel free to talk to me. I’ll always have an open ear to help. I understand what it's like; and feel like maybe if you talked about it, it would help you. I know that if I would’ve then things probably wouldn’t’ve gone on for as long as they did.

 

Sincerely,

V

Christmas comes but once a year.

Christmas.


it's the time of year when the weather gets colder and families get "closer".


decorations come out and trees (normally, I'm not saying that everyone has them) go up. They have lights, ornaments and presents.


Lights adorn houses, animatronic animals invade yards and carols spill out of many stores speakers.



Now....I like this holiday.



for the most part.



But...what I've listed? That's just the aesthetics about it.


Kids go nuts telling their parents what they want, demanding the best. I'm not saying I've never done it. I have.

In fact I know that I've said that I wanted things that I know we can't afford at the moment.


Kids demanding so much from their parents, causing the latter to get frazzled and try their hardest to make their children, for fear that their children will 'hate' them. Even though the parents themselves know that the 'hate' is a passing, it still breaks their hearts to hear the words uttered from the mouths.



So they fight, bicker and try their hardest to make their families happy; all the while they are missing the point of it.



Christmas is supposed to bring people together and more times than not, it ends up ripping people apart.

People fight because they didn't try to get a better deal. They argue that it wasn't the right one, or that they didn't pay attention. It only rips us farther apart, and I know from personal experience that I have to put on a facade of happiness, so people won't ask what was wrong. Then you go home and the ripping continues.


I ramble and jump around in my thoughts, and I know these facts. But all of this does have a point.



What I'm trying to say is, try to stop all the demanding of what you want. Take the time to breathe in, and enjoy what you've got. Be thankful for things that you normally wouldn't be thankful for. Take life slower and enjoy the little things. Like a bird trilling in the morning, or, if you're lucky, take pictures of the snow before it turns to mush and goes away. Laugh more, and live life to it's fullest.


I'm going to reiterate something that you've all probably heard before, but it really is important. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I hope that I'll be able to look back and smile. Smile because I have memories of things that I know I will never get to live again.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.



Live in the moment, and you'll be happy. Don't focus on finding the perfect anything, because there is no such thing. There never will be. But in life, find the most imperfect perfect thing, and you'll be happy.


Sincerely,

V


p.s. feel free to let me know what you think about the season.

No need for an introduction?

I guess I'll start by telling some things about myself.


I am nineteen.


I don't know when I was conceived, but I was born on June 28th.


I have a mother, father and older brother. The latter is a Marine.


I'm from Texas and have lived here my whole life. I probably won't move, but we'll see what the future holds.


my hair changes as often (or more than) the southern Texas weather.


People tell me I have a great smile, most of the time it's a fake one.

I tend to write my feelings and thoughts down more often than speaking them, because it's hard for me to express my emotions through words. I get that from my dad. My brother is the same way.

I don't know what else to say, because I like keeping a lot of things to my self, for fear of abandonment.


I have many names, the one you'll know me by is V.


I'm determined to cause chaos.