Car crash.
Catastrophic.
Earthquake.
But the thing is, that’s just how we are. Things will never be the same between us, and I knew that then.
I know it even more now.
But when we met, it was like everything that I had needed finally came. I had just gotten out of a bad 11 month long relationship, and you were with her.
I was fine with that, because I only considered you a friend. And I knew you had wanted more from the start.
Timeline-July 07.
Then you and her broke-up and you started dating girl #2. You talked to me about your relationship slightly, but then I guessed you realized that it was causing both of us pain. Because I had finally realized that I liked you. I liked you way more than I had originally planned. And the fact that I realized it too late tore me apart.
Timeline-August 07.
But that night (September 29, the day after your 17 birthday), was one of the best nights of my life. Granted you were back with her (girl #1), and I knew that I would just have to live with it.
But as I held you back from that fight, everyone around us knowing I was the only one who could stop you, I realized that I couldn't just wait around. I had planned on telling you that we had to stop all the semi-flirting we did. {sitting on each other’s lap, sharing root beer float popsicles, buying each other energy drinks, etc.} But you were pissed, and I knew I couldn't tell you then.
We walked down to the gas station, our hands brushing and finally we took the plunge and laced them together. The lady who was on shift gave us a smile, and I knew that we looked like a cute couple. You bought me a Dr. Pepper and I bought you a Vertigo sucker and some gummy frogs.
When we were back at the skate park, your ride was there. We were both heartbroken, knowing that it would probably be another week before we would see each other again. We hugged like we were a couple who was parting for a long while, and I couldn't stop myself.
I gave you a soft kiss on your jaw.
Even more surprising, you kissed my jaw back.
The next thing was magic; we looked deep into each other’s eyes and then kissed. Three times in a row.
It didn't matter that you had a girlfriend, and it didn't matter that we had such a big audience.
"I'll call you when I get home, okay?" I nodded, still in shock. You gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen on your face, and I felt as if I were floating. That feeling lasted until that next Tuesday, and then it was even higher.
You had told her that we kissed, and that you wanted to be with me. You called me that night, and asked me out. And I of course said yes. A few weeks into our relationship I realized that I loved you, and I told you. You smiled and said you loved me too. We were inseparable and then as quick as it started, it crash and burned.
You broke up with me because you were stressed, and I found out a week later that you were with another girl.
We didn't talk for the first month and a half of your relationship with #3. But then we started talking again, and then that led up to us hooking up. Which led me to believe that I had a chance again.
And that was wrong of me to think, apparently. Because after seeing you be miserable for three months, you went back to the first girl you 'loved'. We didn't talk for the first two weeks, and then we fell back into our routine of hooking up basically every day. Then things ended a month later with her and you moved onto girl #4.
And that's what broke me the most, I think. Because you stopped ALL CONTACT with me. And then you talked to me some, here and there. And you talked about her. She made you happy and upset and I couldn't understand why you were always with these girls that made you miserable, when you had told me that I had made you the happiest.
I hadn't dated anyone in the time that we hooked up, and you knew that. And we still exchanged 'I love you's'
Eventually I got fed up with it, and regained the control. I didn't all ways answer when you texted. I wanted to be strong. And when you went onto #4, we stopped hooking up. And I knew that we never would again.
Finally, around two years after our first kiss, you apologized.
You apologized for breaking my heart, for making me cry so much, and that you still loved me. I told you that I forgave you, and that I loved you too.
We don't hang out as much as we used to, and that we will never be the same as we were before. And I know that we never will.
But if it wasn't for the heartache you caused me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to get close to the one person whom I know that I love, but not in the romantic way. I love him because the first night we met, you made me cry drunkenly and he held me as I cried. He stayed on the phone with me as I drove home and the next two hours as I still cried. And then the next time, I was completely drunk, I couldn't walk. Thunder played and I spent the next three hours crying, and he held me while you only got pissed off. This was before your revelation about how much you hurt me. I'm not sure who told you, or maybe you just finally realized. I don't know, and I don't care to. All that mattered was that you apologized and I know that is one of the hardest things for you to do.
I love you, but I love the person you were the most. When you actually gave a shit about yourself.
A, my first love, no one will be able to compare to you. But I know that first loves aren't always the ones that last forever. And I realized that after I turned 19. And I'm hoping that by my 20th birthday, I'll be able to see you and not feel the stabbing pain. Oh and not want to kiss you, that would definitely be a plus.
But you know that I will always love you, and when you need me to come get you at three in the morning at the Dunkin' Donuts half an hour away, I'll come if possible.
And I will learn from this. I have learned from this. I learned that you never really get over your first love, but maybe you aren't supposed to. And I know that one day I'll find someone who made me feel as wonderful as you did.
And I only wish the same for you.
